decisions decisions...

very rarely in life do we have to make life changing decisions. we make lots of trivial decisions that likely wont affect our life in any monumental way. but every once in a while, we are all in a position (like the image above) where we must choose a certain path that will affect our lives in a HUGE way. that is where i am at right now... what to do after graduation.

i know i know, graduation is 5 months away. to most that seems like a long time, but it really isnt! i also know that there are a lot of little things (passing community property, taking the mpre, passing the fall semester to name a few) i need to get done before that date that i should be stressing about instead since they are approaching sooner. but the field i am going into doesnt work that way. you must plan and be organized or you will get screwed in the end- just take a look @ my professional responsibility grade if you dont believe me ;-)

i am struggling over my decision of whether to take the california bar and stay in cali or move somewhere else- likely back to texas, but possibly somewhere else like new york. there are pros and cons to each of these decisions and they pretty much even out. i have seriously been praying to God asking him to help me see which decision would be the best one for me, but i have not heard anything back from Him yet. similarly, i dont have a gut feeling about which choice i should make either and that is really really abnormal for me- i get gut feelings about EVERYTHING!!

i get really scared when i think about what i want to do because i know that whatever choice i make is going to shape me and change me in different ways. i dont want to make the wrong decision. you see, im pretty confident about the person that i want to be- the goals i have, what i want out of life, the type of woman that i want to be- and im afraid that im gonna make a decision that will change all of that. i dont mean change because i want them to (because i would be okay with that) but rather because of the situation i am in (which i would not be okay with).

part of me wishes that someone could make the decision for me or that i could toss a coin and base my decision off of that, but then i realize that allowing that would just be BAD news! i have to decide this for myself and im scared. and as i sit here and write this, i think a big part of the reason why im scared is because if i make the wrong choice, i will have no one to blame but myself... accountability of one's actions has always been my strong suit. i will be the first to own my behavior, good or bad. maybe that trait is why i am so scared- ill have no one to blame but myself...