but

despite my previous post i would like to say...

i AM thankful for all that is good in my life.

i am aware that even in darkness there is light.

can someone please explain?

at times like these, i can't help but wonder what exactly karma is paying me back for.

i am not perfect, but i know i am not a terrible person.

so what is with this plate of shit i have been continually served with this past year?

i guess i will try pretend to be positive and say that you can't have highs unless you have lows.

i look forward to desperately cannot wait for the high...

Right Now

right now i was reading one of my favorite blogs, specifically this post and the last few words Matt, who I consider a friend even though we only know each other via twitter, really struck a chord with me. He said, "i’ve been asked many times before, if it’s hard for me to see such a striking resemblance between maddy and her mom. the answer? fuck no. i find nothing but comfort in seeing liz in maddy. and why shouldn’t i?"

Those words made me realize how lucky and blessed I am to be surrounded by and in contact with people that inspire me to be a better person. Matt has been to hell and back and can still manage to have a positive outlook- maybe not all the time, as i am sure he would admit, but still, most of the time he does. It is people like that- all of the many people I am honored to call my friends- that i am constantly amazed by. Your all's strength and courage and positivity and humor and love help me to grow and for that I thank you.

xoxo

Girls, Girls, Girls

So the other day I was watching Oprah when she had Garth Brooks on. At some point in their conversation, Garth stated that around 10-11 his three daughters kinda changed. Anyone reading this that is a woman can probably understand what he was referring to. My middle school years were really hard for me and I never really understood why- until Oprah gave her insight. Oprah stated that around that age, girls start to become aware of the guys around them. Not like they never knew there was another sex on the planet, but that they start to realize that they can get a guy's attention by behaving or looking a certain way- basically changing themselves for this newly discovered sex. I think a lot of what Oprah was saying is true and even at 27, I notice I sometimes do that (which actually kinda baffles me because in all honesty I like my personality so much more when I am hanging around someone who is just a friend) and so do many of my girl friends. It is kinda nutty. When Oprah was explaining this, I thought to myself, "Yes, I agree Dear Oprah, but how could we, women, change that for young girls? What could we do?"

Well, those questions bring me to something that I have wanted to blog about for a while. A few weeks, or maybe even months ago, I came across an article about a group of girls at a Texas high school that for one day each week decided that they would not wear makeup. Their idea was inspired by Operation Beautiful. We, women, can deny all we want that we do not wear makeup or get ready for the opposite sex, but let's be truthful here- yeah we do. If you disagree, then ask yourself, "Would you ever go out on a first date not wearing make up or doing your hair?" Yeah, I didn't think so. So I guess this is one answer I have to the questions that Oprah's comments inspired me to ask myself. I think the more truthful we are to ourselves, the more we will be our authentic selves. What are your thoughts on how we can teach young girls to be truthful to themselves and stay their wonderfully beautiful little selves?

Sometimes

Sometimes, NOT ALL THE TIME, i am convinced that God gave me such a big family because he knew that half of them were going to end up being egotistic maniacal psychos- sometimes, NOT ALL THE TIME- and He just had to make sure that at any given moment there was a "normal" one always there. Now what He was thinking when He placed certain people I am not related to in my life, I have no idea. ;-)

Soothes My Soul

totally trying to really hold onto the words of this song.



"And as for the clouds, just let them roll... away." <3

Life In Vinyl

Everything everything is better in vinyl.

The Assignment

So my cousin Jess, who isn't really my cousin but rather is married to my cousin but i consider her my cousin, (Phew that was a longgggggg explanation lol) has an amazing blog Straight Talk Jess. A few days ago she was assigned some "homework" from a fellow blogger to answer some questions. Always one to invite other people to do something fun and interesting, Jess assigned me and a few others to answer some questions. So here it goes peeps! P.S. expect HW at the end!


1. What is your favorite/worst/most embarrassing (take your pick) memory from high school?
Ok this one is kinda hard because I honestly do not get embarrassed that easily. I can count the number of times I have been truly embarrassed on one hand. IDK if it is because I have no shame, because I just don't care, or because I take everything in stride- though my money would probably be on the first two :-)

I also don't really have any terrible memories from high school. High school was really fun for me. I had a great group of friends and was just so carefree and easy going back then. So, I guess I am going to alter this question and go with the funniest memory from high school.

My funniest memory was when I was taking Geometry 2 in summer school. I was taking it to get ahead in my studies, not because I am a ruh-tard. Anyways, the class was really small like maybe ten kids and we all were either already close or became close by the end of the session- mostly due to practical jokes we would play on each other during our breaks. One day me, W, and M went to the 7 11 to get a slurpee. This girl T, who was going to stay at school during the break, asked us to get her one. I am not sure why but for some reason why in the store one of us thought it would be a great funny idea to buy a box of lubricated condoms and put them in her slurpee. I swear we fit about three condoms in there and hid them the best we could. When we got back to school, we handed her the slurpee and watched with eyes as big as saucers as she took her first sip. She didn't notice anything. It took everything in us to not bust out laughing. T did not notice anything was wrong with the slurpee until she was nearly done with it. During the middle of our teacher's lesson, she started screaming that there were condoms in her slurpee. Thankfully she took it like a champ and wasn't too terribly mad at us. IDK, maybe you had to be there to think it was funny. lol

2. What is your favorite thing to do when you have "me time?"
When I have "Me" time I really like to just relax. Relax for me varies depending on the type of day I have had. Sometimes it entails catching up with a friend via phone or email. Or just laying in bed or curling up on the couch with a really good book . Other days it can be something as simple as going to Starbucks and grabbing a ice soy chai latte. At this point in my life, I really don't have that many responsibilities or commitments so I like to think that every day is "me" time. :-) And yes, I am enjoying it while it lasts because I know that my days of having no real responsibilities or pressures are numbered!

3. What gets you through a crazy, stressful time/day?
Hmmm. Besides prescription drugs ;-P ?!?! haha. There a few things that help me through a crazy and stressful time. First, would probably be anything that makes me laugh. This could be anything from watching a comedy such as Freeway, talking to a friend who makes me laugh, or listening to a comedian . I find that laughter really is the best medicine. It can turn a frown upside down or a scowl into a smile. Second would probably be just hanging out in my room listening to some of my favorite tunes or taking a relaxing bubble bath. Talking to my nieces or looking at pictures of my new nephew also help me out a lot.


4. What's your favorite indulgence?
Ok so many little things make me happy and put a smile on my face. During the fall/winter my favorite indulgence is a hot soy chai latte w/no water. It is absolutely delish and is just so rich and smooth. I love it so much! Unfortunately, it is not yet cold enough to get a hot one, but I really do look forward to when it is!

I also really like to splurge on make up, specifically lipsticks or lip glosses. My most recent make up splurge was a Tom Ford lipstick. I am not going to lie, it is a bit pricey and I didn't know whether it was foolish to buy it or not, but I just had to. And boy am I glad I did. I have never used a more amazing lipstick (yes, i did just call lipstick amazing) in my life! The color is beautiful and like the aforementioned soy chai latte it is also so rich
and smooth. The color stays on forever as well!

I also love to splurge on perfumes. My favorite maker of perfumes is Bond no. 9 New York. Earlier this year I bought High Line. It smells amazing! What I love about the Bond perfumes is that they stay on you all day with just one or two sprays in the morning; so while it is expensive compared to most perfumes, it is worth it and will last you a LONG time.

Thoughts and such

Among other things, I have spent nearly the past two hours contemplating why I half ass everything and how I can get inspired because I am greatly lacking inspiration- and have for some time now.... I miss having aspirations.

This state of limbo that I have been, and have seemed to be in since I graduated college, really messes with my head. It makes me wonder if maybe it is the universe's/God's/whatever's way of telling me that I should do something else with my life rather than being trying to be a lawyer... And this state of limbo, this doing nothing meaningful, makes me question everything in my life like whether I really want to be this or be that. I guess because, because, I don't really do anything. What I mean by that is - what do I mean by that? - what I mean is that I feel like I have no purpose because I am not really doing anything. (Yes, I am going on vacation soon and then yes, as soon as I come back I am going to start studying for the bar, but it is the in-between that gets to me.) Every day is like the movie Groundhog Day; I do the same stupid meaningless shit that makes no difference in this world or in my life... The bottom line is that I don't know what my passion is and I NEED a passion. I want to be excited about something- about what I do everyday.

They Speaketh the Truth

I read two quotes today that I really enjoyed and wanted to share.

"Don't take anything personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves." -Don Miguel Ruiz

I really like this one by Ruiz because I couldn't agree more. On more than one occasion, I have found myself telling people something similar when things happens to them that they cannot understand or comprehend.

"Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you become good at the art of letting suffering go, then you'll come to realize how unnecessary it was for you to drag those burdens around with you. You'll see that no one else other than you was responsible. The truth is that existence wants your life to become a festival." - Osho

And I love this one by Osho because it relates to my post Forgive? SAY WHAT?!?! There are so many people in life, some I know personally and some I just watch from afar and will probably never meet that carry onto grudges, regrets, the past, hurt, etc., and I just wish I could give them the moment of clarity that I had when I wrote that blog because it truly does make life easier when you finally understand that your enjoyment (or lack thereof) of life is all about how you CHOOSE to react to it. We are in control; we have the power.

Enjoy your day! :-)

Blech

People need to stop judging other people's decisions... Who cares what other people choose to do or not do. It's more than just kinda annoying. Worry about you and I will worry about me.

space

its so strange - to be back.

i know that it was the wisest decision, but i am truly missing being on my own.

they say that no matter how old you are, when you are around your parents you will always go back to being the kid. that you emotionally cannot help it.

it is true.

this is not a bad thing, but it is just such an adjustment... taking longer than i thought and to be honest i was not expecting to adjust to anything. i thought it would just fall together.

i need space.

part of me just wants to pack up my car and move, but then i realize...

such is life...

my heart is breaking over something i never even had.

sometimes i think that i hope too quickly, but then i think that my life would be so boring and not me if i didn't.

the latter part is the part of me that i really like.

serendipitous

Like most of the others, I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that my instincts were right. I shared a vagrant optimism that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top.


At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles - a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other - that kept me going.

A Restless Development

i'm restless. again...

i'll elaborate more and edit this post when i figure out what i'm really restless about. but i just needed to write it out to acknowledge it.

veinte diez

xoxoxo

Reservations, PLEASE!!!

I don't watch cooking shows. For some reason I just cannot get into them. Either the host annoys me with their shrill voice or their food looks pretty gnarly. But I am obsessed with the man to your left and his show
"No Reservations."

If you have not seen this show which airs on Monday night on the Travel Channel then you should really make a point to one of these days. If you have seen the show then you probably know why I like it so much- food, travel, culture. These are 3 of my favorite things and these 3 things are what "No Reservations" focuses on... It also doesn't hurt that it is hosted by a handsome middle aged man that looks like he can teach you a few things. ;-)

But really, I think the reason I am so obsessed with the show is because it inspires me. I know, I know, on its face that sounds cheesey, but please let me explain. You have someone who each week goes to a different location in the world and immerses himself in the culture, the food, the people, and the sights. That is so fearless! (Even if he does have a crew there with him to help out). Most people I know, including myself (at this point in time), would never have the balls to do that. But this show makes me want
to do that. It makes me want to push myself. Crazy that a show has the possibility to change my life? Perhaps, but I like it!

decisions decisions...

very rarely in life do we have to make life changing decisions. we make lots of trivial decisions that likely wont affect our life in any monumental way. but every once in a while, we are all in a position (like the image above) where we must choose a certain path that will affect our lives in a HUGE way. that is where i am at right now... what to do after graduation.

i know i know, graduation is 5 months away. to most that seems like a long time, but it really isnt! i also know that there are a lot of little things (passing community property, taking the mpre, passing the fall semester to name a few) i need to get done before that date that i should be stressing about instead since they are approaching sooner. but the field i am going into doesnt work that way. you must plan and be organized or you will get screwed in the end- just take a look @ my professional responsibility grade if you dont believe me ;-)

i am struggling over my decision of whether to take the california bar and stay in cali or move somewhere else- likely back to texas, but possibly somewhere else like new york. there are pros and cons to each of these decisions and they pretty much even out. i have seriously been praying to God asking him to help me see which decision would be the best one for me, but i have not heard anything back from Him yet. similarly, i dont have a gut feeling about which choice i should make either and that is really really abnormal for me- i get gut feelings about EVERYTHING!!

i get really scared when i think about what i want to do because i know that whatever choice i make is going to shape me and change me in different ways. i dont want to make the wrong decision. you see, im pretty confident about the person that i want to be- the goals i have, what i want out of life, the type of woman that i want to be- and im afraid that im gonna make a decision that will change all of that. i dont mean change because i want them to (because i would be okay with that) but rather because of the situation i am in (which i would not be okay with).

part of me wishes that someone could make the decision for me or that i could toss a coin and base my decision off of that, but then i realize that allowing that would just be BAD news! i have to decide this for myself and im scared. and as i sit here and write this, i think a big part of the reason why im scared is because if i make the wrong choice, i will have no one to blame but myself... accountability of one's actions has always been my strong suit. i will be the first to own my behavior, good or bad. maybe that trait is why i am so scared- ill have no one to blame but myself...

Funny word

Convenience. It's a funny word.

009

2009. what can i say, if it is just as good as 2008 then i am gonna have one fantastic year!

im turning 26 this year in approximately two months. thats kind of awesome!!!! i truly love getting older and i like reflecting on how much i grow each year. i changed a lot this year... i feel like every year, i come to accept myself even more deeply than i thought possible. i recognize that i am extremely lucky to be able to say that. there are so many people out there that are not yet even on that road; i used to be there so i understand how it feels and trust me, it doesnt feel good.

im undecided if i want to do resolutions. i mean i am kinda as close to perfect as they come ;-)

the one thing that i was reminded of constantly this year was that- life always works out. knowing and believing that really brings a peace over me and i hope that all of u either already understand that or will one day soon. :-)